mood: hungry...

listening: artoffact records 2025 sampler

drinking: decaf coffee with brown sugar creamer

i guess i never formally decided that i would start reading physical books again this year as a new year's resolution, it just sort of happened. my s/o enjoys brandon sanderson's books, and on one long drive back home from visiting family they suggested listening to the mistborn: the final empire audiobook since i'd never read the series before. we actually made it through about 90-95% of the way through the entire book over the course of several trips before i asked just last week for the paperback they own, and i think it was a pleasant experience to finish the book by reading versus listening. it felt satisfying to physically close the book, like it solidified the end of the story for me. i've already begun the next book, the well of ascension, which takes place around a year after the first book's events. the protagonist, vin, is my favorite. i kind of relate to her and i really enjoyed her development over the course of the story. aside from her i like the kandra, amorphous creatures that consume other creature's bones so that they may take that creature's form, usually humans. i think of them like the alien creature from john carpenter's the thing. i think i'll make it a goal this year to finish era one of mistborn and start era two afterwards, which has four books. i'm not entirely sure if i'll get to them all this year but we will see!

mood: frustrated

listening: sleep token - the offering

venting ahead.

it really seems like i'm always going to find a way to upset them one way or another. constantly feeling like i can't win because of something i say or i misjudged a situation and now everyone involved feels bad. idk! i try not to put myself down when explaining myself or apologizing but it still leaves me feeling upset and my mood is ruined for the rest of the day. because i misinterpreted someone's tone? and if i want to step away to cool off or just try to focus on something else instead of how shitty i feel, i feel like i can't do that either because i'm "avoiding" them (my words not theirs). i would really like to maintain this relationship but when i've wronged them it's like it's the worst thing i could ever do and i have to [redacted] myself over it. and i'm ashamed to say it has come down to that. i just want a healthy relationship man LOL. i love and care for them but it gets difficult when i am always second guessing what i say or do. i can feel resentment building and it is such a gross feeling to me because i don't like the idea of harboring such emotions towards someone that's so close to me, you know. like what am i doing?? is there just something inherently wrong with me? i'm really struggling because i get the urge to lash out but i KNOW that isn't helpful and will 100% make it worse. so i just don't say anything about how it makes me feel. god i hate being so unconfrontational.

mood: headache

listening: breaking benjamin - diary of jane

i remember a while back being excited to start going to the gym with my s/o, and we are finally committing to that this year. unfortunately it coincides with all the other people making going to the gym their new year's resolution so the gym is hella packed when we go. i just try to focus only on myself and my s/o when i'm there because i get really self conscious lol. i struggle with body dysphoria and the idea of other people perceiving me in such a public space like that makes me really anxious. i seriously need to remember to bring my headphones every time because it's so overwhelming with the bright lights, grunting and groaning buff dudes everywhere, and the blaring music. help. i have a hard time with the concept of 'instant gratification' so i'm really trying to curb my expectations when it comes to going to the gym. i know i won't see immediate changes and it'll feel like nothing is happening for a long time. but i have hope that i'll start to feel a lot better about myself!

mood: cold!!! so cold!!!

listening: the sounds of cat TV on the ... tv!

drinking: chamomile tea

eating: taro bun

so a couple updates!!! we've been going to the gym every day for two weeks now and it's been great!! i like the routine it gives me and i feel pretty good afterwards :) slowly getting over the nervousness of being around strangers, but i just keep telling myself that they're most likely fixated on themselves and getting their workout done than observing others. sometimes i'll glance around me but i find that not many others are even looking up like i am. and a lot of them have headphones on so they have their music to focus to. and speakinggggg of music, for christmas i ordered myself a walkman, a sony nw-s745! it took about three weeks to get here because it traveled all the way from japan. everything works great, except one issue: the volume buttons don't work! which is like, one of the Biggest things to worry about with a portable music player. i'm wrestling with the idea that it isn't as bad as it could be, because the volume it's stuck at isn't a terrible level. i can hear music fine and the noise cancelling still works. in louder environments (say, the gym, where i've taken it exactly once so far) the outside noise cuts through a lot more, but my music is still audible. and i supposed that it's better that i'm able to still hear what's going on around me, for safety reasons. in a way, it acts as a volume limiter so i don't accidentally blast my ears out (which by the way, there is in fact a volume limiter setting that is confirmed to be set to OFF, so the issue i'm having is not because of that). so i don't know! i've alerted the seller but they haven't gotten back to me on what to do, but for the record it is a used item that is from 2009 so i knew the risks when ordering. and i don't necessarily want to return it if everything else works fine ya know? the only reason i chose this specific player is because i had one similar to it when i was in middle school. i love the ritual of downloading .mp3 files and organizing my music into neat folders. i've ditched spotify but i still have youtube music for the songs i can't or haven't downloaded just yet. my player has 14 GB so i have to kinda be selective in what i decide to put on there lol. there are much newer walkman models out there that can even run on android but they're way more expensive.

mood: bothered

listening: and one - playing dead

something that continues to frustrate me is despite having deleted social media, i still get sent links to those sites that require you to log in to view anything. (twitter, instagram, y'know.) i almost feel an aversion to any links now. i have friends who understand i don't have access which is all well and good, but at least send me a version that's readable? idk. lol. sometimes it makes me wonder if i really should reactivate, but if i give myself that access then it won't be long before i find myself doomscrolling again. so i shan't! i miss out on so much context to twitter replies because i have no way of viewing the post it's in reply to. unless i'm just missing something? trying to view anything on mobile is such a nightmare because of all the 'sign up/log in' popups, and the inability to click the play button on anything without the damn app store opening! get away from me!!!

another thing is trying to avoid the tracking/identifiers at the end of shared links, the string of text that usually follows a '?' or '='. i do my best to delete it so the link isn't associated with me/an account i may have, (like reddit for example) and it just makes for a cleaner link to send. i dislike opening a link and seeing 'soandso shared this reel with you', or 'join soandso on tiktok' NO THANK YOU! i've had a situation where i sent one link from a friend A to another friend B, and tiktok showed friend B the link came from friend A. they didn't even know each other! i had to explain that i'd copied the link from someone else. like what a fucking mess.

(*huge exasperated sigh*) all that isn't to say that i don't appreciate my friends still including me in their meme and art sharing. i do miss seeing cool shit on twitter and instagram. i just can't let myself get sucked into the addictiveness of scrolling and not having those accounts seems to be the solution for right now. i unfortunately spend most of that time now on reddit LMAO. so i still have work to do...